Bitch - Meredith Brooks/ Mister Mom - Lonestar

When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive

Pampers melt in a Maytag dryer
Crayons go up one drawer higher
Rewind Barney for the sixteenth time

Breakfast six, naps at nine
There's bubble gum in the baby's hair
Sweet potatoes in my lazy chair

Before I start this blog post I'd like to just say that I started this blog due to my 'Letters to no one' as I'd call them, this is one such 'letter to no one' that I needed to write down for my own sanity. If the 'no-one' (that sounds bad but I don't know how else to put it without using their name) wishes me to remove it then I will happily, in a heartbeat without questions as to why. There will be more like this letter to different people over the course of the next few hours to make up for my posting drought so please bear with me. [1/3]

Dear ________,

I know this may seem strange and out of the blue but I've been meaning to write to you for a while. I never thought we'd end up here, or there or wherever we are right now; I've sort of lost track of our entwined lives. I saw you recently, you were drinking what I can only guess was tea (knowing you the way I used to) and I itched to come over and say hello but then you began laughing. I smiled as I watched but didn't want to disturb you, I didn't want to see the colour drain from your already pale cheeks as you saw me. I don't know how you feel about me as a person anymore.

It's hard.
I remember a time when we were inseparable. When watching movies or playing together was our usual routine. When we'd talk for hours about Harry Potter and argue which book and film were the best (Prisoner of Azkaban of course!) or we'd talk about family and laugh and cry at the way things changed so quickly. I guess we should have known that these changes would have happened to us sooner or later.

I miss you.
I guess that things never really stay the same. For so long I resented you, or so I thought. I still checked up on you and your family from time to time (thank you Facebook for helping me be a stalker since 2009 or whenever it was) and I would type out posts for the kids birthdays but never quite hit that send button.

But I'm glad I didn't.
I don't want to bring up any bad feelings/memories because I'm so proud of who you are and where you're going. I don't want to hold you back or make you feel bad. But I don't think I'll ever forget your birthday or your favourite song or the way I'd play round and round the garden on your nieces tiny baby hand whilst she'd stick her tongue out and giggle. ( A little blue-eyed blonde
With shoes on wrong
'Cause she likes to dress herself)

I miss them too.
All of them and I guess that's why I'm writing this. I was your friend when all but one of your nieces and nephews were born (but even the one I wasn't there for was a tiny ball of sassitude when I met him).  But now... now your families newest arrival will be a stranger and that really hurts. I see the rest of them and it's scary how much they've grown especially the oldest ones and that little princess, but I'm so proud of them and you as well as the rest of your family.  Maybe I'm wrong in feeling that way, maybe I gave up that right when everything happened between us but I guess it's my way of holding on to you and to our friendship.

I don't want you to feel bad or resent me.
I really do want you to be happy and I understand now (finally) that I don't have to be a part of that. I hope you're not mad at me for writing this and I'm sorry for every time I've ignored you or blanked you in the past 2 years. You will always be one of the first things that I think of when I flashback to my childhood and for that I am truly grateful.

Love always
Ellie Belly xx

 P.S. I still have the picture from your niece when she was first learning to write <3

Conversations with my thirteen year old self - Pink

You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me
You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well

A letter to my 13 year old self,

Hello Sweetie, how are you today? Firstly let me tell you something, You did it! You're eighteen and you're still here. I know you always found that hard to see as a possibility but here I am and I'm so proud of you. I know people don't tell you this enough but others are too and I wish you would see that (it really would help prevent a lot of hurt).

Now, we really need to talk about something. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You did nothing wrong and having been you, I know that it is playing on your mind. I know I can't change that but just for five minutes give yourself a break, please.

You are a warrior, which really helps when your life is a battlefield, and because you're a warrior I know that you've still got your spark. That spark is what is going to get you through and sometimes, yes sometimes, it may hide itself away but it is a part of you. Okay? Okay.

That's another thing those bands and books you're obsessed with right now, that's nothing compared to the storm that's coming! But that's not a bad thing, lose yourself in them and never be afraid that they'll look sad to other people. People are going to come into your life that will love you for those exact things.

Taylor Swift is an angel and you are not wrong in loving her (tip from the future: people here now love her too).

I don't want to tell you too much about what's going to happen, I don't want to ruin the surprise and honestly you need to ride this rollercoaster to believe it. Like really, it's a bumpy ride but it shapes you into this wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey person you are today.

Also, the music you're going to discover makes me proud to have been you. Honestly your music taste is first rate, don't let anyone else's opinion deter you (they'll probably love it in a few years anyway). I'm listening to one of your choices as we speak, have you found Demi Lovato Warrior or skyscraper yet? If not go find those songs and honestly don't be ashamed when you cry, I do.

 

For now sweetie, I have to go but I still think of you and I am beyond proud of you. Now carry on fighting honey, it will pay off. Remember to be a kid for a while, never grow up.

 

Until we meet again,

Future you xx

The Circle Of Life from The Lion King

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love

This is my first blog post in what feels like ages (but in reality is about a week) because I have had MAJOR writers block for days now. Inspiration for my writing comes in many different places and this blog post has come from me sat overthinking (as usual oops). I just finished an English lesson and during a reading exercise someone commented on the cyclical nature of a poem. I immediately got 'The Circle of Life' in my head and thought of Emma straight away therefore this blog post is formed from that.

Now Emma has just left for university and whilst they're is a strong possibility that I miss her already I'm also really proud of all she has accomplished in the 2 years that I have known her. Mine and Emma's friendship started as a result of us being in English lessons together. She totally took pity on me, bless her heart. We bonded quickly through mutual interests and the fact that I hardly knew anyone else.
The moment I knew (totally didn't just start singing Taylor Swift...no definitely not) that Emma was one of those people that I could say was one of my closest friends was when we both started singing 'The Circle of Life' due to a poem in English. That was the defining moment for me in our friendship and I am forever in awe of her ability to make people feel happy.
Now I know I'm not the only one that misses Emma but I feel like we have been growing distant for a while. This is, getting straight to the point, my fault and I've only just accepted that in my head even if I've known it for a while. I have been selfish with all my friends recently, I have let them down and neglected them because I've always made excuses to not get in touch with them. And unfortunately, Emma is no exception to this.
I am so so sorry for this and I hope that I can work out a way to make it up to her, but for now I'll just say this:


Emma,
I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavours, I know that you'll do amazing. You've already made everyone proud and I'm so pleased to have seen you get where you wanted to be. I'm sorry that we have grown distant, but I hope I can rectify that at some point. Enjoy your first week, I'll be sending happy thoughts in your direction!
Ellie x

Beside You - 5 Seconds of Summer

She sleeps alone

My heart want to go home

I wish I was, I wish I was beside you

 

Things you'll do if you're in an LDR:

•  You'll count endlessly - days, hours,letters! You name it, you'll count it.
•  You will take more pictures - food,funny faces, that weird fridge magnet that you know they'd just love!
•  You'll get jealous of everyone that spends time with them - Even their mum! I'm not kidding, it gets so bad sometimes.
•  you'll have to clean your phone screen so much more often - you get that weird ear smudge from being on the phone for hours and crying makes it worse.
•  Everything will remind you of that person - even that weird old stuffed toy in the charity shop window. Its definitely got his eyes.
•  You'll cry... a lot! - I was a hard faced cow until my ldr now I cry a ridiculous amount shamelessly.
•  You'll plan meticulously - but probably never do it all
•  Every emotion will hit you all at once when you see your SO - it's like being at Disneyland when the fireworks go off.
•  You will have mood swings - one minute you'll be on a high and then next you'll be sobbing under a blanket.
•  couple envy - this is not just for single people but they'll never see it that way! You just have to remember that'll be you soon.
•  Ice cream is a must - just like with a breakup, ice cream will help. Go for it, eat the whole tub!
•  You will cherish everything that your SO buys you or makes for you - its probably in a box next to your pillow.
•  you'll give each other weird nicknames that would embarrass the crackers out of you if you were in a 'normal' relationship.

These are obviously just a few examples and each couple will have their own special things to do. Please feel free to add yours in the comments and as a final thought:

I'm sorry for the weird crying at the concert Charlotte,  I'll try not to let it happen again!

I Dare You - Bea Miller

I can remember a time when I was so afraid
When even my shadow wouldn't follow me

I listened to this song and felt like I could do anything for the first time in so long! So today I thought I'd do a post on anxiety. Before I begin this isn't a go to guide or anything like that, it is how I personally deal with my anxiety. Anxiety is different for everyone and I cannot stress that enough.

I start back at sixth form on Monday and I just got my confirmation through for my operation and as a result I've been feeling the pinch of anxiety like a thorn in my side that got infected and will probably end up killing me...oh wait no I'm joking...but now I come to think of it...

Anxiety for me is like a huge weight that I carry in lots of little pockets of myself.
It's the sharp stones in my belly, the bed rocks in my feet, the concrete football in my mind, the gravel that cascades from my fingers and the tarmac that runs down the back of my throat.
Some days, I'm stronger, I can move without fear of a rockslide.
 But other days when the tiredness wears me down, I can't move for the weight, I can't talk without chocking. It's invisible to others but I can see it, I can picture it spread throughout me.
The panic attacks are the worst.
They're the rockslide I fear. They hold me in place and don't relent their grip on me. Now anyone who has ever experienced a panic attack will know that crushing feeling they give you. For those few minutes when you stop and every breath hurts, you feel like you're literally going to die, like your breath is stolen from you.
The first time I had a panic attack, I ended up throwing up over myself. Not pleasant I know, but it's the truth of it. My lungs ached like I'd been punch in the sternum, my throat burned from the vomit and my legs were numb as if they didn't belong to me. Tears streamed down my face and I was more than a little embarrassed. I didn't know what had happened, one minute I was getting off of the bus and the next I was in an entryway crying and wiping sick off of my school shoes. I didn't tell anyone and no one asked why my eyes were red or why I wouldn't go near anyone.
Now don't get me wrong, I knew there was something wrong with me but I also THOUGHT that no-one would care or understand so I kept it to myself.

DO NOT DO THE ELLIE! Tell someone as soon as something happens. Especially something that has made you frightened or worried. Everything that makes you feel as bad as a panic attack is important and someone will care!

Now that was 6 years ago and I am much older and wiser than I was. Now I know what they are and what had happened but I can't get my head around the fact twelve year old me had to deal with that. So I thought I'd make myself and anyone else a little warriors guide to anxiety. Now as I said early, anxiety is a personal thing! What works for me may not work for everyone so this is not a 'backed up by science/ do this instead of what your healthcare professional has said/ I'm right/ this is a set in stone', it is merely something that I am doing for my own use.

Warriors Guide to Anxiety.

1. The pre-battle pep talk: Post-it note quotes are not lame they are your friend. Write as many positive things down as possible: quotes, lyrics, your thoughts, jokes and lots of positive things. I will do a blog post in the next few weeks that may help if you're lacking in inspiration for this.
2. The schematics for the individual raids: Day one, Day two, Day three. They are all separate, do not think because you didn't make it today you won't make it tomorrow.
3. The Defence plans: When you feel you feel yourself becoming worked up or panicky, put in headphones and grab something small like a marble or paperclip that can just sit in your hand or twirl around your fingers. I think this is called grounding but I'm not an expert.
4. The mentality of a warrior: You know that you can do this. You can win this battle. Get into the mind set of the bravest person you know or the mind set of your best friend...How would they face this task? What would they feel? Now close your eyes, stay in their mind set and do the thing! Okay you got this.
5. Plans for in the midst of battle: Things are tense, you can feel the shaking starting and your mind starts to play tricks on you. Keep your senses, believe what you can see and hear not what that irrational voice in the back of your head is telling you. Take a moment to try and breath slow and put something in your hand (see number 3). You have got this far and I'm so proud of you.
6. In the event of a unexpected attack: You are okay, you can breath and it will pass. This panic attack may feel frightening but you can get through it. remember you can do this. Try and find someone to help you but if there's no-one around you can still get through this. Pretend to blow bubbles like when you were a kid. Steady, long breath so as to inflate the bubble but not to pop it. It may be hard to start with but you can control your breathing! More bubbles, okay?
7. The aftermath of an attack: When you can move again, sit down and have a slow sip of a drink. YOU DID IT! you're okay and you got through it. Check for injury and keep taking those long, steady breathes until the pain decreases. Make checks for scratches or marks where you may have caught yourself on something and dry those tears. You're okay, you made it through. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're a warrior remember?
8. Allies on the ground: Allies are the second most important part to any battle behind self belief. No matter how much you think people won't understand or how far into that path of 'they won't believe me' you are, there are people who can and will help. Go see your doctor, even if you can't have your parent/guardian go with you, take a friend. It will help, trust me! Tell your friends, they're most likely worried about you. Anxiety doesn't just affect you, those around you feel it too. It's important they know so that they can help or they can give you space whenever you need it because unfortunately anxiety doesn't come with a timetable.
9. Communication is key: Tell people what you need. People can't read minds, if you need a compliment then ask for one! It's not selfish, or shallow and it's not something to be embarrassed about. If you need space, then politely tell the people around you, you can always join them again later.
10. You go out there and kick butt!: Those days you feel good do as much as possible. Finish all the homework you have or finish that write up for work, you may not be up to it tomorrow. Good days are your friend, go have the best, most product day you can. Dye your hair, read that whole book, eat that double cheese bacon burger, do what you want but do not waste those few hours because regret just fuels anxiety.

I know this post was long, but I needed to write it today and the song just made me want to fight and empower myself and others. Anxiety is a bitch but you can get past it.

Bad Blood - Taylor Swift

Band-Aids Don't Fix Bullet Holes

*This post is about a very tough time in my life, it's brutally honest and some people may find it upsetting so yes just an FYI do not read if it will cause you upset*

Taylor Swift recently released the song bad blood with the lyrics "Band-Aids don't fix bullet holes" and it is only recently that I understand why they resonate so much in my mind.

2 years ago, I got shot. Not shot with a literal gun but the pain was still earth shattering. My best friend killed himself. He woke up one morning and decided that was it, he couldn't go on. The night before we spoke about kangaroos and we were laughing hysterically.
When I found out I didn't cry, I merely shook.
I hid myself away in a corner of my room and didn't eat or sleep for two days. I remained as normal to my internet friend and no one came to check on me even though my internal organs were screaming; my blood rushing from me quicker than I could stop it.
I stopped thinking after two days, the numbness took over.

I was due to start my A levels a week or two later and for fear of having others watch me fall apart, I plastered over my bullet hole wound. I began eating again and came out of my corner to face the world.
The Band-Aid held until a few weeks into sixth form.
On a film we had to watch for driving awareness they played the song "Happy Ending" by Mika and my Band-Aid fell revealing the wound pouring with fresh blood and the old festering blood of the month I'd lived without him. You see "Happy Endings" was played at the funeral I wasn't invited to and was also the song that he danced to with his little sister in the middle of the kitchen at 1 o'clock in the morning.
This time I cried.

I thought that would be it, I thought that now I'd cried that I would finally heal so once again I Band-Aided over my wound as before.
Things carried on but I was always a step behind.
My wound slowing me down when everything else moved too fast. I got an infection in my mind that spread through my limbs and made it feel like every breath I took that he did not was a knife running down my windpipe. I cried myself to sleep when my infected mind would let me only to be confronted with recurring nightmares and knowing I'd always wake up to a world without him.
Everyday the infection affected more of me.
I tried to make up for not being there for him by being a whole army for others. I found people at the edge of the blade and pushed it away from them into myself. It still was not enough.
I tried to kill the infection by cutting it out but it only provided more areas for the infection to spread to. I ripped myself to shreds in the hope that he might use the shreds to return, to find a way back.
This never happened.

I hated my body for not being his, I hated my voice for not being his, I hated my laugh most of all so I tried not to use it.

I ripped the Band-Aid off myself one night, letting the rush of blood soothe me and take the last of my strength. It was a relief to feel empty once again and that relief made me sick.

When I realised I was still here I decided to build myself up again and fill myself with different things. 
New memories, new thoughts, new poisons .
But I was still playing catch up, still one step behind everyone else. I made bad choices, bad friends, bad grade but I no longer felt the infection growing inside me. The infection was in the people who made me feel bad, made me feel like a failure. The people who killed me time and time again just so that they could feel better about themselves and their twisted behaviour. I left them behind when they reduced me to nothing.

This time I used two Band-Aids to cover up my wound; to keep myself from pulling off the Band-Aid.
I filled myself with this new love, new happiness and new life hoping and praying that it would heal my bullet hole. I caught up, I went forward and became the me that didn't waver around the edges. It was bliss, It was happiness, it was new and I was finally okay.

That was until the birthday I spent crying rather than celebrating, the anniversary I spent inside out afraid to lose control, blood seeping through my Band-Aid staining my skin.
It is now, 2 years and 4 days later I finally realise that no Band-Aid can truly fix a bullet hole. No amount of time will make me forget him or numb the pain of losing him.
Nothing can heal me. But maybe that's a good thing.
The Band-Aid remains in place so I can live without fear of catching my wound but it will never go and I will never get him back.
I can live without him and knowing that is the hardest thing. 

Taken from Our Chemical Hearts 

For the First Time - The script

But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine

Let's start with the easy stuff; I'm Ellie, I'm an 18 year old A Level student and I'm incredibly clueless about how to make a blog (off to a great start).
This blog will be an outlet for all my thoughts, and downright nonsense, but I have big plans for it! For a while, until I find my creative writing footing, I will base each blog post around a song but each post will be different. The posts may come in the form of diary entries, letters, poetry or short story or whatever else grabs my attention (yeah that's another thing, my attention wavers and I tend to rant oops).

A big inspiration for the blog is my wine-drinking-fluffy-sock-wearing best friend Charlotte. She has a blog herself (ramblesandramen.blogspot.nl) and the girl is fabulous! She's been there for me for years now and without her I wouldn't be the person I am today so thank you charlotte, the wines on me next time.

Charlotte looking dashing as ever!

The other inspiration for this blog is my weirdo with psychopathic tendencies! If he hadn't  read one of my 'letters to no one' and encouraged me to start this blog, I'd probably still be listening to that voice in the back of my mind telling me not to. So yes a big thank you to you, bug.

Just a Bear and her Bug.

Okay this turned out longer than I expected so I'll stop rambling now, well at least until next time.

So yes, we all need to do something For The First Time and this was mine. 

Thank you all for reading, my first proper non-introductory post should be up in a few hours. Well, hopefully.