Migraine - 21 Pilots

I've got a migraine
And my pain will range from up, down and sideways

So it's been a while, how's everyone doing?

These past few months a lot has changed in my life and a lot has stayed the same. I am no longer doing my A levels or working a ridiculous number of hours for no personal gain. I can officially say that I am at least 80% happier!

The main change right now is I get to spend a ridiculous amount of time cuddling dogs! I can say without any hesitation that I love my job. I love all my furry, fluff nuggets and their quirky, unique personalities. It feels like I'm part of this large, complex family who really love butt scratches! 

Stan's Pals Storm the Staffy 

But my job is taking it's toll on my body. I do an average of 20,000 a day with my most steps this month being 34,976 on one particularly busy day. To some this may seem like nothing but to my weather worn body with it's joints of a 90 year old, it makes me proud; also hella tired and the migraines are actually mind splitting!

Stan's Pals Virgil 

Some days I wake up with the inability to raise my arms and brush my hair, other days I have to have help to put my socks and shoes on. It's not pretty and it literally does nothing for me in the fight against impending doom and grumpiness! But each day when I see the excited, smiley face of Virgil baby or the equally excited wiggly butt of Minnie Moo it's as if someone has given me the shot of adrenaline I need to make it through the day with a smile on my face.
I don't know, I just really love dogs! 
One of my favourite parts of my job is pet-sitting; seeing the way the dogs act in their own homes warms my heart especially when they decide that you just have to see all their toys. The pride in their faces warms my heart and makes me want to buy a big house and adopt all the dogs!

Dogs also have a natural ability to read people as well. It seems to me as if the dogs always know when I'm having a bad day and when I just need a cuddle. Some of them can read me so well they can almost pin point the joint that is hurting the most and when I sit down they will lie on it. I've been lucky enough to pet sit for the beautiful fluff nugget Binky a couple of times now and she will wrap herself around my ankle underneath the table as I eat. Binky (or my little Binkle Bean as I call her) is only a puppy but she already know that it makes me feel better when she does this.

My Baby Tom of Stan's pals

Binky brings me on to another point; I dont just have the pleasure of Canine company. Sometimes I get the chance to look after other pets as well, the most notably for me is Tom the cat. Tom has made me change my whole opinion towards cats! Now I admit before I met Tom I was more than a little bias towards dogs being the better species but Tom is so clever and so loving that I'v been made to reevaluate. Now this cat is also an amazing help on my anxiety days. The first time I stayed at Binky's, I woke up with the most unnecessary, unshakeable anxiety that elevated my heart rate and made me light headed. Tom sat on my shoulder for over an hour purring into my ear and doing the paw kneading thing until my anxiety had all but dissipated. I hope he knows how much I love him for that.


Honestly I'm so blessed. On my bad days I have a small furry army to keep me sane. Even when I feel like my body is collapsing from within and my chest is too tight to breath, I have my four legged cheerleaders.

Honestly, I wish Ryan could see me now. He'd absolutely love Gauge and Marley, he always did love the big and dopey ones.

Also Stan's pals is Fabulous! You can find them on Facebook and you can see all the fur babies!

9 to 5 - Dolly Parton

Barely gettin' by

It's all takin'

And no givin'

They just use your mind

And they never give you credit

So, I've been a bad updater again (oops). But that doesn't mean I have stopped with my 'Letters to No One' by any means. (it just means that these tend to happen in my head and then you get the odd looks because you've spaced out again)
My life has been a circus recently. I've been working several jobs, trying (and failing) to keep up with my studies and juggling more commitments than a, now, 19 year old probably should but hey ho, life's life. 
This post, despite the lyrics, is not me complaining about my job/s. In fact, I am happy in my job/s and I like that I'm always busy (what's a rest?) because it stops the over thinking. This post is in fact going to be a collection of the things I have learnt in the short time I have worked at my current job in a local family attraction/national forest place because one it will help me and two it will help to remind me that I am still learning even in it's mundane repetitions. 

So here we go, ELLIE'S LIST OF 10 LEARNINGS (as quoted by customers)

1. "Lattes go in cups not mugs" - This was said by a delightful customer who pushed in the queue for drinks and could not understand why I was serving the polite lady in front of her who had waited in line for nearly 10 minutes. The worst part of this encounter was that I wasn't actually making a latte, I was making a cappuccino that will only fit in our mugs or takeaway cups. The lesson of not choking people with my bare hands was learnt on day one (good start 'eh)
2. "Why isn't my table clean like those ones?" - Maybe my delicate little cabbage because YOU CHOSE THE ONLY DIRTY TABLE IN THE RESTAURANT TO SIT AT! Breath Ellie. This was one of those moments I looked at her incredulously and learnt the "I want to strangle you but I don't want to lose my job' smile. 
3. "Can I speak to a manager please?" - Of course you can. Maybe our policy will have changed between now and the time it takes her to get back to your table. The lesson here was that it doesn't matter what I say because I don't have a black t shirt on (Mines red like ketchup and honestly it makes me look like I've put on an extra 20 stone! I'm jealous of the black ones okay?!).
4. "Can I change my order please? My daughter just remembered she's a vegetarian and would now like the chicken Goujons." -  1. How does one forget they are vegetarian? 2. How did you, as her mother, forget she is a vegetarian? 3. How is chicken not meat? 4. WHY AM SURROUNDED BY MORONS? The lesson in this was how to bite back laughter because you can be damn sure I wanted to laugh. Loudly! 
5. "I think that child just dropped them." - NO, that child just had the time of his life with about 100 spoons and my freshly swept floor. I have never been so annoyed/proud/jealous and irritated in my life. The child in question decided it would be fun to empty the bowl of plastic spoons and then run the length of the restaurant throwing the spoons as he went. His laughter still haunts me every time I sweep up. That day I learnt that spoons are not just a tool for eating or spooning peoples eyes out.
6. "Does this chilli con carne have beef in it?" - This was one of my personal favourites. Now bear in mind our menu states that it is "made with the finest beef mince" and the lady asked for the loaded chilli nachos which is on every menu and is described on the large board above the counter. I took her loaded nachos to her table and when asked if they had beef in my answer of yes was not enough and she made me take the humiliating trip to the kitchen to ask. (Bear in mind, I'm pretty sure the kitchen staff think I'm a bit backwards anyway because of the time I had a brain block and called spaghetti Bolognese pasta worms and ketchup)  So the kitchen staff reiterated what I had already said and the lady made me take it back to the kitchen and ask whether they could take the beef out (my word again not enough for her to believe) and they literally just put cheese on tortilla chips for me to take out. The lady was pleased with this. Lesson here: Chilli con carne has beef in it and it's best to laugh than feel embarrassed.
7. "Does the Cornish Dairy Vanilla have dairy in it?" - This was much the same kind of experience as the one above so I'll spare you the details of my further humiliation. The lesson here was that people will believe sarcasm so just don't be sarcastic. (Which is difficult if like me you have a predisposition to answer stupidity with sarcasm) 
8. "HOLD!" - A woman thrusted her dirty baby into my arms with this word even though I had my hands full cleaning a table. She then proceeded to walk off as her child covered my t shirt in spit, mud, ketchup and what must only be described as the grime covering the floor of hell. She returned and took her child not uttering another word to me. Lesson of the day: people are ignorant and there's always a clean shirt out back.
9. "I'm just gonna leave now." - That poor, poor man. I felt humiliated for you bless your delicate soul. The poor young man came and spoke to me at the ice cream stand as he ate his ice cream. He was a cheeky chappy who was doing his best (but failed) to flirt with me and ask for my phone number when it happened. He dropped ice cream on his crotch and didn't notice until I pointed it out and bless his soul he tried to rub it off but just spread it into a white mass on the crotch of his trousers. The beetroot colour of his cheeks hurt my heart. (I'm actually cringing at the memory of it. Bless your heart insanely tall guy in the black skinny jeans) Lesson nine: customers are people too, they're not all monsters.
10. "bleeeugghhhghgh" - This was one of those moments I'll remember for a long time. So a girl who used to bully me came in to work and me being the professional I am served her as I would anyone else. She took to her table and I took her food to the table. Since she'd walked in and seen me she was smirking and looking down her nose at me as if I was a piece of poop on her shoes or a slave that was at her mercy. Quite frankly it was true, if she made a complaint about me then I'd probably lose my job. BUT then the best thing happened. I set her food down on the table and looked up to see her smirking face when her baby THREW UP IN HER TOP. Not just down it but IN it. The look on her face was worth every ounce of hurt she had brought up upon me in the past! I remained professional and walked away in to the kitchen before laughing.And that was the day I learned that people could look down on my job all they wanted, people could think I was the worst of the worst because I had to accept a job like this but you know what, at least I have a job. (And at least I don't have to walk around with puke between my boobs all day haha) 

There is and will be more lessons I will learn from my job and I look forward to it but for now I'm just glad I have the evening off work. 

So yes, I apologise for my lack of posting but I've been busy and hopefully I won't leave it so long next time. 

As a final note; The pictures on this post make me happy so I wanted to post them, Sorry if they annoy or distract you. 

Ellie xx

Bitch - Meredith Brooks/ Mister Mom - Lonestar

When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive

Pampers melt in a Maytag dryer
Crayons go up one drawer higher
Rewind Barney for the sixteenth time

Breakfast six, naps at nine
There's bubble gum in the baby's hair
Sweet potatoes in my lazy chair

Before I start this blog post I'd like to just say that I started this blog due to my 'Letters to no one' as I'd call them, this is one such 'letter to no one' that I needed to write down for my own sanity. If the 'no-one' (that sounds bad but I don't know how else to put it without using their name) wishes me to remove it then I will happily, in a heartbeat without questions as to why. There will be more like this letter to different people over the course of the next few hours to make up for my posting drought so please bear with me. [1/3]

Dear ________,

I know this may seem strange and out of the blue but I've been meaning to write to you for a while. I never thought we'd end up here, or there or wherever we are right now; I've sort of lost track of our entwined lives. I saw you recently, you were drinking what I can only guess was tea (knowing you the way I used to) and I itched to come over and say hello but then you began laughing. I smiled as I watched but didn't want to disturb you, I didn't want to see the colour drain from your already pale cheeks as you saw me. I don't know how you feel about me as a person anymore.

It's hard.
I remember a time when we were inseparable. When watching movies or playing together was our usual routine. When we'd talk for hours about Harry Potter and argue which book and film were the best (Prisoner of Azkaban of course!) or we'd talk about family and laugh and cry at the way things changed so quickly. I guess we should have known that these changes would have happened to us sooner or later.

I miss you.
I guess that things never really stay the same. For so long I resented you, or so I thought. I still checked up on you and your family from time to time (thank you Facebook for helping me be a stalker since 2009 or whenever it was) and I would type out posts for the kids birthdays but never quite hit that send button.

But I'm glad I didn't.
I don't want to bring up any bad feelings/memories because I'm so proud of who you are and where you're going. I don't want to hold you back or make you feel bad. But I don't think I'll ever forget your birthday or your favourite song or the way I'd play round and round the garden on your nieces tiny baby hand whilst she'd stick her tongue out and giggle. ( A little blue-eyed blonde
With shoes on wrong
'Cause she likes to dress herself)

I miss them too.
All of them and I guess that's why I'm writing this. I was your friend when all but one of your nieces and nephews were born (but even the one I wasn't there for was a tiny ball of sassitude when I met him).  But now... now your families newest arrival will be a stranger and that really hurts. I see the rest of them and it's scary how much they've grown especially the oldest ones and that little princess, but I'm so proud of them and you as well as the rest of your family.  Maybe I'm wrong in feeling that way, maybe I gave up that right when everything happened between us but I guess it's my way of holding on to you and to our friendship.

I don't want you to feel bad or resent me.
I really do want you to be happy and I understand now (finally) that I don't have to be a part of that. I hope you're not mad at me for writing this and I'm sorry for every time I've ignored you or blanked you in the past 2 years. You will always be one of the first things that I think of when I flashback to my childhood and for that I am truly grateful.

Love always
Ellie Belly xx

 P.S. I still have the picture from your niece when she was first learning to write <3

Conversations with my thirteen year old self - Pink

You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me
You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well

A letter to my 13 year old self,

Hello Sweetie, how are you today? Firstly let me tell you something, You did it! You're eighteen and you're still here. I know you always found that hard to see as a possibility but here I am and I'm so proud of you. I know people don't tell you this enough but others are too and I wish you would see that (it really would help prevent a lot of hurt).

Now, we really need to talk about something. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You did nothing wrong and having been you, I know that it is playing on your mind. I know I can't change that but just for five minutes give yourself a break, please.

You are a warrior, which really helps when your life is a battlefield, and because you're a warrior I know that you've still got your spark. That spark is what is going to get you through and sometimes, yes sometimes, it may hide itself away but it is a part of you. Okay? Okay.

That's another thing those bands and books you're obsessed with right now, that's nothing compared to the storm that's coming! But that's not a bad thing, lose yourself in them and never be afraid that they'll look sad to other people. People are going to come into your life that will love you for those exact things.

Taylor Swift is an angel and you are not wrong in loving her (tip from the future: people here now love her too).

I don't want to tell you too much about what's going to happen, I don't want to ruin the surprise and honestly you need to ride this rollercoaster to believe it. Like really, it's a bumpy ride but it shapes you into this wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey person you are today.

Also, the music you're going to discover makes me proud to have been you. Honestly your music taste is first rate, don't let anyone else's opinion deter you (they'll probably love it in a few years anyway). I'm listening to one of your choices as we speak, have you found Demi Lovato Warrior or skyscraper yet? If not go find those songs and honestly don't be ashamed when you cry, I do.

 

For now sweetie, I have to go but I still think of you and I am beyond proud of you. Now carry on fighting honey, it will pay off. Remember to be a kid for a while, never grow up.

 

Until we meet again,

Future you xx

The Circle Of Life from The Lion King

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love

This is my first blog post in what feels like ages (but in reality is about a week) because I have had MAJOR writers block for days now. Inspiration for my writing comes in many different places and this blog post has come from me sat overthinking (as usual oops). I just finished an English lesson and during a reading exercise someone commented on the cyclical nature of a poem. I immediately got 'The Circle of Life' in my head and thought of Emma straight away therefore this blog post is formed from that.

Now Emma has just left for university and whilst they're is a strong possibility that I miss her already I'm also really proud of all she has accomplished in the 2 years that I have known her. Mine and Emma's friendship started as a result of us being in English lessons together. She totally took pity on me, bless her heart. We bonded quickly through mutual interests and the fact that I hardly knew anyone else.
The moment I knew (totally didn't just start singing Taylor Swift...no definitely not) that Emma was one of those people that I could say was one of my closest friends was when we both started singing 'The Circle of Life' due to a poem in English. That was the defining moment for me in our friendship and I am forever in awe of her ability to make people feel happy.
Now I know I'm not the only one that misses Emma but I feel like we have been growing distant for a while. This is, getting straight to the point, my fault and I've only just accepted that in my head even if I've known it for a while. I have been selfish with all my friends recently, I have let them down and neglected them because I've always made excuses to not get in touch with them. And unfortunately, Emma is no exception to this.
I am so so sorry for this and I hope that I can work out a way to make it up to her, but for now I'll just say this:


Emma,
I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavours, I know that you'll do amazing. You've already made everyone proud and I'm so pleased to have seen you get where you wanted to be. I'm sorry that we have grown distant, but I hope I can rectify that at some point. Enjoy your first week, I'll be sending happy thoughts in your direction!
Ellie x

Beside You - 5 Seconds of Summer

She sleeps alone

My heart want to go home

I wish I was, I wish I was beside you

 

Things you'll do if you're in an LDR:

•  You'll count endlessly - days, hours,letters! You name it, you'll count it.
•  You will take more pictures - food,funny faces, that weird fridge magnet that you know they'd just love!
•  You'll get jealous of everyone that spends time with them - Even their mum! I'm not kidding, it gets so bad sometimes.
•  you'll have to clean your phone screen so much more often - you get that weird ear smudge from being on the phone for hours and crying makes it worse.
•  Everything will remind you of that person - even that weird old stuffed toy in the charity shop window. Its definitely got his eyes.
•  You'll cry... a lot! - I was a hard faced cow until my ldr now I cry a ridiculous amount shamelessly.
•  You'll plan meticulously - but probably never do it all
•  Every emotion will hit you all at once when you see your SO - it's like being at Disneyland when the fireworks go off.
•  You will have mood swings - one minute you'll be on a high and then next you'll be sobbing under a blanket.
•  couple envy - this is not just for single people but they'll never see it that way! You just have to remember that'll be you soon.
•  Ice cream is a must - just like with a breakup, ice cream will help. Go for it, eat the whole tub!
•  You will cherish everything that your SO buys you or makes for you - its probably in a box next to your pillow.
•  you'll give each other weird nicknames that would embarrass the crackers out of you if you were in a 'normal' relationship.

These are obviously just a few examples and each couple will have their own special things to do. Please feel free to add yours in the comments and as a final thought:

I'm sorry for the weird crying at the concert Charlotte,  I'll try not to let it happen again!

I Dare You - Bea Miller

I can remember a time when I was so afraid
When even my shadow wouldn't follow me

I listened to this song and felt like I could do anything for the first time in so long! So today I thought I'd do a post on anxiety. Before I begin this isn't a go to guide or anything like that, it is how I personally deal with my anxiety. Anxiety is different for everyone and I cannot stress that enough.

I start back at sixth form on Monday and I just got my confirmation through for my operation and as a result I've been feeling the pinch of anxiety like a thorn in my side that got infected and will probably end up killing me...oh wait no I'm joking...but now I come to think of it...

Anxiety for me is like a huge weight that I carry in lots of little pockets of myself.
It's the sharp stones in my belly, the bed rocks in my feet, the concrete football in my mind, the gravel that cascades from my fingers and the tarmac that runs down the back of my throat.
Some days, I'm stronger, I can move without fear of a rockslide.
 But other days when the tiredness wears me down, I can't move for the weight, I can't talk without chocking. It's invisible to others but I can see it, I can picture it spread throughout me.
The panic attacks are the worst.
They're the rockslide I fear. They hold me in place and don't relent their grip on me. Now anyone who has ever experienced a panic attack will know that crushing feeling they give you. For those few minutes when you stop and every breath hurts, you feel like you're literally going to die, like your breath is stolen from you.
The first time I had a panic attack, I ended up throwing up over myself. Not pleasant I know, but it's the truth of it. My lungs ached like I'd been punch in the sternum, my throat burned from the vomit and my legs were numb as if they didn't belong to me. Tears streamed down my face and I was more than a little embarrassed. I didn't know what had happened, one minute I was getting off of the bus and the next I was in an entryway crying and wiping sick off of my school shoes. I didn't tell anyone and no one asked why my eyes were red or why I wouldn't go near anyone.
Now don't get me wrong, I knew there was something wrong with me but I also THOUGHT that no-one would care or understand so I kept it to myself.

DO NOT DO THE ELLIE! Tell someone as soon as something happens. Especially something that has made you frightened or worried. Everything that makes you feel as bad as a panic attack is important and someone will care!

Now that was 6 years ago and I am much older and wiser than I was. Now I know what they are and what had happened but I can't get my head around the fact twelve year old me had to deal with that. So I thought I'd make myself and anyone else a little warriors guide to anxiety. Now as I said early, anxiety is a personal thing! What works for me may not work for everyone so this is not a 'backed up by science/ do this instead of what your healthcare professional has said/ I'm right/ this is a set in stone', it is merely something that I am doing for my own use.

Warriors Guide to Anxiety.

1. The pre-battle pep talk: Post-it note quotes are not lame they are your friend. Write as many positive things down as possible: quotes, lyrics, your thoughts, jokes and lots of positive things. I will do a blog post in the next few weeks that may help if you're lacking in inspiration for this.
2. The schematics for the individual raids: Day one, Day two, Day three. They are all separate, do not think because you didn't make it today you won't make it tomorrow.
3. The Defence plans: When you feel you feel yourself becoming worked up or panicky, put in headphones and grab something small like a marble or paperclip that can just sit in your hand or twirl around your fingers. I think this is called grounding but I'm not an expert.
4. The mentality of a warrior: You know that you can do this. You can win this battle. Get into the mind set of the bravest person you know or the mind set of your best friend...How would they face this task? What would they feel? Now close your eyes, stay in their mind set and do the thing! Okay you got this.
5. Plans for in the midst of battle: Things are tense, you can feel the shaking starting and your mind starts to play tricks on you. Keep your senses, believe what you can see and hear not what that irrational voice in the back of your head is telling you. Take a moment to try and breath slow and put something in your hand (see number 3). You have got this far and I'm so proud of you.
6. In the event of a unexpected attack: You are okay, you can breath and it will pass. This panic attack may feel frightening but you can get through it. remember you can do this. Try and find someone to help you but if there's no-one around you can still get through this. Pretend to blow bubbles like when you were a kid. Steady, long breath so as to inflate the bubble but not to pop it. It may be hard to start with but you can control your breathing! More bubbles, okay?
7. The aftermath of an attack: When you can move again, sit down and have a slow sip of a drink. YOU DID IT! you're okay and you got through it. Check for injury and keep taking those long, steady breathes until the pain decreases. Make checks for scratches or marks where you may have caught yourself on something and dry those tears. You're okay, you made it through. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're a warrior remember?
8. Allies on the ground: Allies are the second most important part to any battle behind self belief. No matter how much you think people won't understand or how far into that path of 'they won't believe me' you are, there are people who can and will help. Go see your doctor, even if you can't have your parent/guardian go with you, take a friend. It will help, trust me! Tell your friends, they're most likely worried about you. Anxiety doesn't just affect you, those around you feel it too. It's important they know so that they can help or they can give you space whenever you need it because unfortunately anxiety doesn't come with a timetable.
9. Communication is key: Tell people what you need. People can't read minds, if you need a compliment then ask for one! It's not selfish, or shallow and it's not something to be embarrassed about. If you need space, then politely tell the people around you, you can always join them again later.
10. You go out there and kick butt!: Those days you feel good do as much as possible. Finish all the homework you have or finish that write up for work, you may not be up to it tomorrow. Good days are your friend, go have the best, most product day you can. Dye your hair, read that whole book, eat that double cheese bacon burger, do what you want but do not waste those few hours because regret just fuels anxiety.

I know this post was long, but I needed to write it today and the song just made me want to fight and empower myself and others. Anxiety is a bitch but you can get past it.