I Dare You - Bea Miller

I can remember a time when I was so afraid
When even my shadow wouldn't follow me

I listened to this song and felt like I could do anything for the first time in so long! So today I thought I'd do a post on anxiety. Before I begin this isn't a go to guide or anything like that, it is how I personally deal with my anxiety. Anxiety is different for everyone and I cannot stress that enough.

I start back at sixth form on Monday and I just got my confirmation through for my operation and as a result I've been feeling the pinch of anxiety like a thorn in my side that got infected and will probably end up killing me...oh wait no I'm joking...but now I come to think of it...

Anxiety for me is like a huge weight that I carry in lots of little pockets of myself.
It's the sharp stones in my belly, the bed rocks in my feet, the concrete football in my mind, the gravel that cascades from my fingers and the tarmac that runs down the back of my throat.
Some days, I'm stronger, I can move without fear of a rockslide.
 But other days when the tiredness wears me down, I can't move for the weight, I can't talk without chocking. It's invisible to others but I can see it, I can picture it spread throughout me.
The panic attacks are the worst.
They're the rockslide I fear. They hold me in place and don't relent their grip on me. Now anyone who has ever experienced a panic attack will know that crushing feeling they give you. For those few minutes when you stop and every breath hurts, you feel like you're literally going to die, like your breath is stolen from you.
The first time I had a panic attack, I ended up throwing up over myself. Not pleasant I know, but it's the truth of it. My lungs ached like I'd been punch in the sternum, my throat burned from the vomit and my legs were numb as if they didn't belong to me. Tears streamed down my face and I was more than a little embarrassed. I didn't know what had happened, one minute I was getting off of the bus and the next I was in an entryway crying and wiping sick off of my school shoes. I didn't tell anyone and no one asked why my eyes were red or why I wouldn't go near anyone.
Now don't get me wrong, I knew there was something wrong with me but I also THOUGHT that no-one would care or understand so I kept it to myself.

DO NOT DO THE ELLIE! Tell someone as soon as something happens. Especially something that has made you frightened or worried. Everything that makes you feel as bad as a panic attack is important and someone will care!

Now that was 6 years ago and I am much older and wiser than I was. Now I know what they are and what had happened but I can't get my head around the fact twelve year old me had to deal with that. So I thought I'd make myself and anyone else a little warriors guide to anxiety. Now as I said early, anxiety is a personal thing! What works for me may not work for everyone so this is not a 'backed up by science/ do this instead of what your healthcare professional has said/ I'm right/ this is a set in stone', it is merely something that I am doing for my own use.

Warriors Guide to Anxiety.

1. The pre-battle pep talk: Post-it note quotes are not lame they are your friend. Write as many positive things down as possible: quotes, lyrics, your thoughts, jokes and lots of positive things. I will do a blog post in the next few weeks that may help if you're lacking in inspiration for this.
2. The schematics for the individual raids: Day one, Day two, Day three. They are all separate, do not think because you didn't make it today you won't make it tomorrow.
3. The Defence plans: When you feel you feel yourself becoming worked up or panicky, put in headphones and grab something small like a marble or paperclip that can just sit in your hand or twirl around your fingers. I think this is called grounding but I'm not an expert.
4. The mentality of a warrior: You know that you can do this. You can win this battle. Get into the mind set of the bravest person you know or the mind set of your best friend...How would they face this task? What would they feel? Now close your eyes, stay in their mind set and do the thing! Okay you got this.
5. Plans for in the midst of battle: Things are tense, you can feel the shaking starting and your mind starts to play tricks on you. Keep your senses, believe what you can see and hear not what that irrational voice in the back of your head is telling you. Take a moment to try and breath slow and put something in your hand (see number 3). You have got this far and I'm so proud of you.
6. In the event of a unexpected attack: You are okay, you can breath and it will pass. This panic attack may feel frightening but you can get through it. remember you can do this. Try and find someone to help you but if there's no-one around you can still get through this. Pretend to blow bubbles like when you were a kid. Steady, long breath so as to inflate the bubble but not to pop it. It may be hard to start with but you can control your breathing! More bubbles, okay?
7. The aftermath of an attack: When you can move again, sit down and have a slow sip of a drink. YOU DID IT! you're okay and you got through it. Check for injury and keep taking those long, steady breathes until the pain decreases. Make checks for scratches or marks where you may have caught yourself on something and dry those tears. You're okay, you made it through. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're a warrior remember?
8. Allies on the ground: Allies are the second most important part to any battle behind self belief. No matter how much you think people won't understand or how far into that path of 'they won't believe me' you are, there are people who can and will help. Go see your doctor, even if you can't have your parent/guardian go with you, take a friend. It will help, trust me! Tell your friends, they're most likely worried about you. Anxiety doesn't just affect you, those around you feel it too. It's important they know so that they can help or they can give you space whenever you need it because unfortunately anxiety doesn't come with a timetable.
9. Communication is key: Tell people what you need. People can't read minds, if you need a compliment then ask for one! It's not selfish, or shallow and it's not something to be embarrassed about. If you need space, then politely tell the people around you, you can always join them again later.
10. You go out there and kick butt!: Those days you feel good do as much as possible. Finish all the homework you have or finish that write up for work, you may not be up to it tomorrow. Good days are your friend, go have the best, most product day you can. Dye your hair, read that whole book, eat that double cheese bacon burger, do what you want but do not waste those few hours because regret just fuels anxiety.

I know this post was long, but I needed to write it today and the song just made me want to fight and empower myself and others. Anxiety is a bitch but you can get past it.